I have a thing that makes me a bit whacky sometimes, and also unusually anxious about stuff that doesn’t usually bother most people.
My dislike of labels used as a crutch prevents me from wanting to call this ‘thing’ about me by a name.
Honestly, the label helped me figure out some stuff personally that didn’t make sense about my behavior and reactions. But I don’t want to be defined by it, and it is an unnecessary distraction at this point.
There is also a fuzzy line between causal influences having to do with this ‘thing’ along with my healing inner child and personality.
What works better for now is to discuss my healing and self-discovery journey, and what I have learned about self-improvement so far.
I also think that you have to be able to laugh at yourself, so I am doing a lot of that now – and there is so much to laugh about …
I have been told that my smile is sometimes all I need … but I am the sum of what I was born with and what I have experienced. I am a package deal, smiles, quirks, and all!
This is my unique personality and everything about me is not part of a labeled ‘thing’ that fits neatly in a box.
I am working hard to become the best and most healthy version of me that I can be, in spite of the real challenges that make some things very difficult for me.
The most important part of that journey has been about learning to love myself, most especially by calming my inner child with the love and acceptance she has been crying out for.
Loving myself means I have to love everything about me, even my less lovable quirks and challenges.
Before I understood the impact of my inner child and other biological quirks on my behavior and actions/reactions, most of the problems and heartbreak in my life seemed to be caused by others who misunderstood me, didn’t like or care about me, or were emotionally abusive.
I absolutely was a victim in many ways, but usually not an innocent victim. I have learned that the interaction of my ‘quirks’ with others does not end well without a full understanding of what is going on and why.
My therapist explained it pretty simply. Imagine you are blind, and being bullied or blamed by family/friends/colleagues for not being able to see.
You know you can’t see, but the words you are using to describe and explain your blindness to others are not understood to mean ‘I can’t see’ by anyone else.
You think you are using the correct descriptive words, but yet you still get blamed and criticized for not being able to do things that require sight.
Of course that would make you feel unfairly bullied and abused, and very hurt, misunderstood, and confused.
However, you inadvertently caused the problems by not communicating properly about your blindness. So you feel like an abused victim who is constantly misunderstood, while everyone else thinks you are defiant, uncooperative, lazy, dishonest, etc.
It is hard to blame them because there is no other valid reason that would explain what is going on with you.
A lifetime of this can cause a lot of problems. It ruins relationships, alienates coworkers, gives a negative first impression, and makes you feel like the most messed up, abandoned, and lonely person on Earth.
Until recently, I didn’t even understand or realize what was really going on with me. The thing that causes these problems for me was the missing link in understanding so many frustrating and vexing relationship problems.
Self-discovery and therapy are helping me deconstruct the past to understand the causal elements of the suffering, pain, and heartbreak I have endured and also caused for others. It has been both a blessing and tortuous curse.
The major epiphany was discovering that communication ‘thing’ about me. That alone has caused previously unexplained anxiety issues that were the driving force behind my most dysfunctional behavioral issues.
Sometimes my inner child will muddy that water a bit with her own unique perspective, getting all needy and co-dependent due to abandonment issues. That is the fuzzy causal line I referred to earlier.
I am working on her too! At least she is not able to unknowingly take control of my thoughts and behaviors anymore. I see her coming now, and have learned how to calm her down!
My quirky anxiety fueled brain is also a place where insightful brilliance is often possible.
The things I just ‘know’ are unique gifts that oddly come from the chaos.
I had no choice but to find a way for both to coexist without offending myself and others.
This new perspective has been a very solid foundation to re-build my life and mental health upon!
The ‘why’ does help me now to figure out how to reconstruct the issue ‘puzzle’ with a better outcome. I can then use that new information to replace dysfunctional schemas using mindful effort to retrain my brain and chill out my inner child.
The ‘why’ is better understood by others using examples, and explaining the deconstructing and rebuilding process in my head in many different contexts. I will be writing about those examples and explanations in this blog.
Understanding and accepting what is, and discovering ways to manage the chaos in my head, has helped me find more productive ways of communicating, interacting, and reacting.
My journey has been about finding a way to make peace with my past and forgive myself and others for the multiple shit shows we all were forced to attend.
A little sarcasm and poking fun at myself also keeps me humble!
